{birthday} : i am 30.

i turned 30 years of age on friday.
it feels very strange. 
i feel a little conflicted in my view on 
completing an entire decade of my life.

actually - i take that back.
i'm not actually conflicted.
i just feel like i'm supposed to be?

thirty seems to be one of those birthdays that is supposed to leave you in drunken tears or 
high-five'ing yourself victoriously. 
i don't necessarily feel either way.
i am not upset. 
but i'm not super excited.
the only word to describe how i feel is maybe...content? 

my life has been a living proof example that -
you can make those 5 & 10 year plans for yourself...
but it may just not happen.
life may fall apart.
it also may fall right back together. 

if i was asked 10 years ago :
"where will you be at 30?"
i would've answered confidently that i'd probably 
be married, have a kid or 2, and maybe even a garden.
{i think i need a garden actually}

my twenties have been less than ideal.
the past years have actually been a mixture of 
triumph, heartbreak, brokeness, refinement, clarity, & growth.
i think that might sum up "the twenties" in general...
it is such a transitional time in life. 
it's a time that a person is learning truths about who they are & who they want to be...
and it is a fun and TOUGH RIDE. 

i would never describe myself as mature right now.
i'm pretty sure no one would.
it's actually awkward for me to think of myself as a true "adult" 
at times. 
because i feel like i have so much more growing to do.

but i've learned very slowly over time - 
that we are never "finished" people.
we are always evolving & changing. 
i may never feel like an adult.
and that's okay.

another weird realization i've come to lately is that - 
i actually HAVE quietly and slowly grown into an "adult".
it doesn't just happen.
and most don't realize the process along the way.
but - through all the sappy reflection i've done -
while trying to determine if i'm actually in the midst of a 
quarter life crisis...
i've realized that i am SO DIFFERENT 
than i was 10 or even 5
years ago. 
my heart, mind and view of the world has drastically changed.
i have evolved and grown into a more "adult version" of myself -
whether i tried to or not. 

Some things i've learned :

* i've realized that i don't want 
to "arrive" or "know everything".
i want to stay curious and young at heart - 
and i'm completely okay with admitting 
i don't have very much figured out. 

* i've realized that i truly know 
what i am good at and what i am terrible at. 
and i've realized that i'm not insecure about those weak spots within me anymore.

* i've realized that it's okay if everyone doesn't like me. 
or approve of my decisions. 
because ...i've realized that i totally trust my own convictions. 
i want to be me and follow my heart.
and i really don't care how others view that. 

* i've realized the importance of loving over judging.  
this is one i am personally so happy i have truly learned. 
i used to be narrow-minded and naive. 
but as i've grown to see my own imperfections - 
i have come to know 100% 
that it is better to love others over judging them. 
all day. everyday. 

I feel like I've settled a lot - 
maybe not in my lifestyle -
but definitely within myself. 
i am okay with the spot i am in.
i am excited about the journey ahead - 
just as much as i am thankful for the past.
all of these things work together to shape us overall.

So yeah...I AM THIRTY.
so what?!? 

Below are some photo's from my birthday weekend. 
it was amazing - i am loved & a lucky girl. 

i have a feeling that this is only 
the beginning of posts like this. 
i hope future entries will be less serious - 
and more about the fun life i get to live. 
i also hope a future post is about how i finally got botox. 

"go up on your hill and see what you find there. 
with grace in your heart and a flower in your hair."
mumford & sons 

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